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About Deviant Official Beta Tester luca19/Unknown Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Months
22 Month Core Membership
Statistics 136 Deviations 302 Comments 3,587 Pageviews

*avril lavigne voice* I like to rœck oöt




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Should I delete my dA account and remake my Skype? 

83%
10 deviants said No
17%
2 deviants said Yes

Visitors

:iconnikrain:
Nikrain
Mar 24, 2017
8:20 am
:iconfortheloveofkei:
FortheLoveofKei
Mar 20, 2017
9:10 pm
:iconblackcat5643:
BlackCat5643
Mar 19, 2017
5:02 am
:iconkatyamlie:
KatyAmlie
Mar 18, 2017
8:17 am
:iconalien-guts:
alien-guts
Mar 12, 2017
6:42 pm

Activity


Hey everyone!

So I'm back, but at the same time not really.

I'm doing way better than before, but I'm still very hurt about the fact that A Ton(TM) of people decided to drop me as a friend even though I really did try my best to explain my irl and mental health situation(s) to them so that they'd /maybe/ get what I was dealing with/going through and what was contributing to my irrational behaviors, etc., but people STILL assumed many incorrect things about me and they all made it super evident that none of them really cared about me to begin with, which is fine; I don't need/want people like that in my life.

I just kind of wish these people would have at least straight up told me instead of choosing to read my messages and then choosing to ignore my messages, etc.--that REALLY stung me and caused me to cry for like... three days straight??

But it's w/e at this point. I'm doing much better now; DESPITE the fact that I'm still dealing with the (idk if I even openly wrote about this on here in a clear and concise manner lmao) physical and emotional abuse situation, but I've gotten a better handle on it. I'll be fine/I'm not going to die or disappear, so dw! I also got a hold of my medication situation which was DEFINITELY contributing to my emotional outbursts, etc. I talked to my therapist about my meds and they definitely were contributing to my overreactions to a lot of things (considering the types of pills I was/am taking and my brain chemistry was all out of whack at the time due to running out of my medications, etc.).

Also I'm STILL not going to be posting for a while despite being back because I have lost absolutely all inspiration/motivation to create anything with my hands because most of the people who decided to drop me like a bowling ball were my main sources of artistic inspiration.

Whiiiccchhh leads me to my next point: I'm now super weary of befriending other artists (read: popular artists) because I've had far too many bad experiences with them at this point, plus my mental illnesses also make it super difficult for me to make friends.

I'm not super honest about my mental health on here because I'm uncomfortable with a lot of my audience, but I might as well get this out of the way: I have borderline personality disorder which LITERALLY makes it so so so sOOO difficult for me to make friends. I get attached to people way too easily and this particular mental illness causes me to have difficulties controlling my feelings and I have a tendency to behave irrationally due to my fear of abandonment which is a VERY common fear amongst most borderlines. I'm a very paranoid person; in short. I'm trying my best to control it, but it's not really something I can always keep a lid on and I get super peeved about the fact that people ASSUME that it's something I have complete control over, or that I'm just making "excuses" when I explain my mental health situation to people after a bad episode. People don't seem to get that I have a PERSONALITY disorder; which affects my PERSONALITY and it's so frustrating!!

If you want to read more about borderline personality disorder I'd suggest using Google! That's all for now; thank you for reading!!
I'm doing alright right now and I'm taking a break from deviantART due to my irl situation and I might just end up deleting my dA profile if I deem that to be the proper protocol, but we'll see.

Thank you to those of you who stuck around and were understanding of my current situation! I really, really do appreciate the people in my life who don't just flat out give up on me when I fuck up on occasions and when my face doesn't seem to want to be a shiny beam of happy 'n' nice light. You guys are the real troopers and I love you and once I'm in a better state of mind I'll show my appreciation in a much bigger way. <3    
i fucked up n i feel rly bad both emotionally n mentally bc i keep messing up n i dont know maybe i should just check into the mental hospital again bc im not doing very well
i feel so bad for writing those statuses i'm so sorry everyone

i've been struggling with some medication and mental health issues irl and that's not rly an excuse for me overreacting and god i feel so bad for all of the ppl whose feelings i hurt and i don't rly know how to fix things gosh i'm so sorry

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